Double Barrel of Fun

It seems Jessica and I have settled into a bit of routine when it comes to bath time for Kaelan. The process always starts with me getting the water ready (which is understandable given my extensive experience already highlighted in a previous posting) while Jessica wrestles Kaelan out of his clothes and diaper so he’s ready for his dip. Not wanting to get in a rut, we decided to mix it up a bit tonight which meant I got Kaelan out of his clothes while Jessica prepared the bath water. Honestly speaking, I was getting tired of always getting the water ready so I welcomed the change of pace!

Having experienced the ever real threat of a random spray erupting upon taking off Kaelan’s diaper, I approached the process with caution. Before taking off his diaper, I was armed with a wet wipe in one hand and a fresh diaper in the other. I carefully peeled the front of the diaper away and waited for just a moment in case Kaelan was going to try and surprise me. Sure enough, he decided to let the water works fly but I was prepared this time and quickly closed the diaper to absorb the spray. After Kaelan had finished relieving himself, I let things “air out” a bit to ensure it was safe before I actually started to remove his diaper. I decided enough time had passed so I proceeded to make my move…

As you parents out there know, changing a diaper is always a balancing act. You have to use one hand to grasp both ankles to keep his dirty bottom off the changing table while using the other hand to clean, grab the wet wipes, fresh diaper, etc. In this particular case, I had cleaned him up nicely and was proceeding to rub Bordeaux’s Butt Paste (diaper rash cream for those of you who have never heard of the miracle elixir) on his bottom. Now, keep in mind I’ve got both his ankles in my left hand, holding his butt up in the air as I rub the Butt Paste around his bottom. Well, wouldn't you know it, in this brief moment of exposure, Kaelan not only decided to let the water works fly AGAIN, he also decided to introduce me to his own version of “butt paste." Apparently upset that I had thwarted his previous attempts at spraying me, Kaelan opted to let both barrels fly while I was most off guard. Caught like a deer in headlights, and with one hand full of “butt paste,” I could only watch helplessly as Kaelan finished his business. Once he finished, I swear I caught a little smirk spread across his face!

Tonight’s lesson in parenting is to never under estimate your opponent and to never let your guard down. Changing a diaper is like a Mixed Martial Arts fight. You may get knocked down. You may get bloodied. But you have to keep getting back up and fighting!

That’s why I’m hiring this guy pictured below. He’s what we call in the biz as a “stitch man.” Just so you understand what a “stitch man’ (aka cutman) does, I defer to the words of one of the premier and intellectual publications in circulation today. “A cutman kneels beside the fighter. The cutman works quickly even though there’s no bell to answer. He knows the fighter wants to be anywhere but here, seen like this. It’s more than blood pouring onto the canvas. It’s pride, ego, hope.” (ESPN The Magazine, Nov 17, pg 84) Yep, sounds like exactly what I need. Yes, my pride and ego may have been slightly bruised this evening but I refuse to be defeated by Kaelan's cunning ways. Bring on round two!